Grab a Bottle

I have a 9 year old daughter.  She makes me a better person. I thank God every night that he chose me to be her mom, that I get to love her and kiss her anytime I want (If you see the cute little boy from Sweet Home Alabama, you are my people!) I pray constantly that she’ll grow into a Godly woman. She has the sweetest heart and I look at her and I’m in awe.

Then I walk into her room and all the warm fuzzies are gone!  Not just gone, but dead, buried under a 2 foot pile of dog poo.  This room is my demise.  I try to ignore it as long as I can and suppress my feelings, but it never lasts.  Inevitably, I crack.  Then I go into a throwing out rage.  My daughter and I fight.  EVERYTHING.IS.SPECIAL.  Toys that she has completely forgotten about all of a sudden become the world’s greatest toy and she will tell me who gave it to her and all why her life will be utterly destroyed if I chunk it. Things are said, feelings are hurt and tears are shed. It gets ugly and I’m not proud of myself in these moments.

We got her a bunk bed for Christmas.  In order for it to fit, we had to get rid of her 3 foot tall Barbie house.  Barbie can’t be homeless so getting rid of her house means getting rid of her (all 15 of them) and her million outfits and shoes and purses and car, and if you can’t tell, I hate Barbie.  I hate everything about her and the thought of removing all of it from our house made we way happier than it should.

But I didn’t want to fight with my 9 year old and I was dreading the meltdown that was in my very near future.  I swear the Holy Spirit spoke to me.  He said “Katie, sweet and beautiful Katie with whom I am pleased.  Pour yourself a glass of wine, actually, forget the glass and grab the bottle.  Disregard the fact that it’s only 8:46 in the morning.  Let her binge watch Netflix and get in that room.”

Yall, when the Holy Spirit speaks, YOU LISTEN! I was me versus the closet.  I had God on my side so I knew I would be victorious. I shut the door so she could not enter.  The rule was she couldn’t ask me what I threw away.  Out of a whole pile, she only busted me on 1 toy, so I gave it back.

Her room is so cozy, she has a reading corner and Christmas lights.  In one afternoon, it transformed from little girl’s to a big girl’s room.  She aged before my eyes.  My baby is growing is up.  I remember the day she was born, her first steps, and her first day of pre-K.  Now she gets things for me when I’m too lazy to walk across the entire grocery store and she’s on a dance team with teen agers.  She’s big, but not too big to be dropped off at her classroom door or snuggle every night at bed time.  She’s growing up and I can’t do anything about that, but for now, I’ll just hang on to her while I’m still cool.

 

Jammies With Feet

So as most of my readers know, I’m currently pregnant with my 3rd child.  I could go on and on about all the great things being a mom entails like unconditional love and good night kisses.  But I’m gonna be honest, my 2 favorite things are pinching dimply baby booties and jammies with feet.  We have a bath time routine of walking around the house and everyone pinches Willow’s sweet 20 month old booty.  The other day my husband was taking a shower and Willow was walking around the house looking for him and got sad when I put her in the bath without a booty pinch from her papa.

Jammies with feet are on a whole ‘nother level.  There is nothing cuter than a little girl walking around in fuzzy jammies with little monkey ears on her toes.  (I made up a song about jammies with feet, this proves my love.) But they have to be the kind with zippers.  The button up ones are the Devil.  Who ever decided it was a good idea to make a sleep deprived parent button up 15 buttons at 3am only to find the last button doesn’t match up will have a lot to answer for on judgement day.  I was changing Willow’s diaper and found a Christmas ornament caught in the foot and my husband found a few pens down there as well.  I never thought about it but I guess jammies with feet make the perfect place to stash things.

That got me thinking, aren’t we just like those darn jammies.  We walk around looking all cute and put together but deep down we’re hiding things.

We want you to think your words don’t phase us, but deep down they’re killing us. We want you to think we are totally secure, qualified enough, put together enough, organized enough and in the perfect marriage.  We want you to think our kids are the best, our house is always this clean and we never burn the meatloaf.

No one is all of these things so why do we try?  Why do we put so much effort into being what we’re not?  Why do we care so much about what others think of us?

I know it’s hard not to let outside voices in but the truth is, there is only one voice that matters.  God’s. God says you are loved. Beautiful. Seen. Known. Matter. Heard. Holy. Righteous. Strong. Brave. The son or daughter of a heavenly king. Forgiven. Redeemed…YOU.ARE.ENOUGH.

So many things are thrown at us daily, fighting for our attention.  We need to learn what to focus on.  We need to learn the voice of truth.  We need to learn how to love ourselves and quit killing ourselves trying to be something we’re not.  Let’s quit being jammies with feet.

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.

 

FB is a Bunch of Crap

So, it’s the day after Christmas.  Or as so many of you have posted on FB CHRISTmas.  I’m sorry, but putting “CHRIST” in all caps bugs me.  All your other pictures and posts (which reflect how  you live) have nothing to do with living for Jesus, but yet when Christmas rolls around you get all Jesuslike.  No wonder so many people want nothing to do with church, we’re just a bunch of hypocrites.  This is not the purpose of this blog so I better jump off my soapbox…

I saw a video on FB the other day of some AMAZING looking waffles.  My husband saw it too and we decided that’s what we wanted for Christmas morning breakfast.  The video shows a puff pastry placed on the waffle maker, then stuffed with cheese and ham, then puff pastry folded on top and wha-la, you have a gorgeous, stuffed waffle.  I decided to kick it up a notch and add a fried egg on top.  Can you say genius?

I’m assuming the video was filmed multiple times to make it look that easy-peasy. The truth is the puff pastry wasn’t big enough and ALL the cheese melted out.  The waffle was good but dry so I had to add syrup to add moisture.  Please note the melted cheese oozing out, all the smoke, the mess in the background and the awesomely annoyed look on my 8yo’s face.

Isn’t this just like life?  We post on social media, snippets of our life.  The snippets that make us look good, like we have it all together, like our life is WAY.BETTER.THAN.YOURS. (That would be the first pic to make you jealous of our breakfast.)  And most of us fall for it.  We look at our “friends” and think their spouse is just so perfect…their kids are perfectly trained (people with kids, we all know their behavior is totally viewed as a direct reflection of us.)  Their house/car/stuff is nicer than mine which means they make more money than me so they must be happier then I am.

The truth is we all fall short; we all #fail and most times we don’t want others to know about it. Yes, I did post the second pic on FB.  I do post my highs but I also post my lows.  I believe we all live messy lives and the more honest we are about them, the better everyone would be.  I believe if we would all quit pretending to be something we’re not, like perfect, and  start living the awesomely jacked-up lives we have, we’d actually be happier and therefore less judgmental.

Let me challenge you for 2016: start being more honest with yourself.  It will be hard at first, but I guarantee it will be life changing!

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you..welcome to my brain.

Some Weeks Just Suck

This time of year can be hard for some.  Holidays are made to be shared with loved ones, but what happens when that loved one is gone?  How do you celebrate when you wife, husband, child, or (fill in the blank) is missing from the party?  Do you put on a smile and fake it till you make it or do you hide out in a dark room and avoid all contact with the outside world?

This week has been really hard for me; December 9th is the 2nd anniversary of my mom’s unexpected death and December 12th is her birthday.  Add to that a 29 week pregnancy doctor’s appointment where I had to drink the nasty Fruit Punch Glucose crap, a weigh-in realizing I have already gained the total weight of my last pregnancy and I still have 11 more weeks to go AND the fact that I got a hair cut that didn’t turn out the way I wanted!  This called for a major pity-party and let me tell you, pity-parties are the best parties I throw.

This week I find myself living in a world of regret.  You see, my mom and I didn’t have the best relationship.  I spent half of my life hating her.  I allowed hurt and anger to boil up inside me and build a wall.  When I was young it was easy to blame everything on her.  Things like “I was just a child…she was the adult…she should have reached out..I did nothing wrong” filled my mind and I found comfort in blaming her.

But then Jesus…

I started to realize that Jesus didn’t die on the cross so I would spend my life hating her.  When he cried out “It is finished” over 2000 years ago what he meant was “Katie.  This ugly bitterness inside you is finished; it’s time to forgive.”  If Jesus could forgive the friends that betrayed him and the people that killed him, I can forgive as well.

It wasn’t easy and it took years.  Romans 12:2 played a big part: Do not be conformed to the image of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  The renewing of MY mind.  Yes, the world told me it was ok to hate her, but Jesus said to renew MY mind…this means I have to take ownership of my thoughts and feelings…gross!  Who wants to do that?  I literally chanted “the renewing of my mind, the renewing of my mind, the renewing of my mind” every time I felt the ugliness rising up in me.  I had to face that fact that I’m an adult now and if I want things to change, I can’t keep doing the same things.  (Duh, mind blowing I know.)  I had to change my tone of voice, body language and even my posture while talking to her.  I had to realize she did the best she could.

When she died, our relationship wasn’t perfect but it was better than what it previously was.  I look back and get sad for the part I played in the “complicated relationship.”  Nothing is ever 100% someone else’s fault.  We ALL play a part in conflict.  If we want it resolved, we have to do some self reflection, realize our part and change our behavior.  It’s not easy, but necessary if you want change.

If you have some one you need to forgive, let me encourage you to do it!  It will be hard and it won’t be overnight but it’s so worth it.  Don’t spend another day with that wall up, start knocking those bricks out.

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.

If Trees Could Talk

I’ll be the first to admit I’m not sentimental.  I throw everything away.  I don’t need 50 pictures of my kid’s foot prints or the pumpkin they drew in pre-K or the “clay pot” they made in art class.  I don’t hold on to Christmas cards, I throw them away, all of them, every year (sorry if you have sent me one, ever.)

We go camping every year on Labor Day.  I married into this tradition, my husband’s family has been going every year for 31 years and he hasn’t missed one yet.  It was mentioned that the camp site we have been going to for the last 8 years is being sold and this could possible be the last year we spend at this camp site.  This news, kinda made me sad, but not too sad because like I said, I’m not sentimental.

But I will miss a certain Cypress tree there.  This tree is magnificent.  You may or may not believe in God but there is something about this tree that screams miraculous.  You can’t be in the vicinity of this tree and not feel its power.  You can’t stand next to this tree and not feel small, like there is something bigger out there.

This tree has to be at least 500 years old and I so wish it could talk.  I can only imagine the things it has seen and conversations it has heard.   This tree is so enormous only a portion fits in the picture.  The 4 tiny people at the bottom is my family.

This tree was around when it was just the Native Americans roaming the land.  It is majestic and I wonder how many people were married under it’s branches.  I wonder how many people found solace in it’s shade.  This is kinda cryptic, but I wonder how many people have been buried by it, because honestly, can you think of a better tombstone?  It’s on the Frio River, how many floods has it stood up too?  How many droughts has it weathered?

What conversations has it heard?  “Will you marry me?”  “Honey…we need to talk.”  How many desperate people have cried out to God wondering if He really exists and if He really sees/cares about/loves them?

This tree has seen me pregnant three times.  This tree has seen my 7.5 year old daughter for 1 week every year of her life. How many other kids have grown up with this tree? How many pictures is it in?  This is our most recent camping picture, we take one just like it every year.  45 people fit in front of 1 branch. Gosh, I sure wish it could talk.

Large cypress trees will grow where thorn bushes were.  Myrtle trees will grow where weeds were.  These things will be a reminder of the Lord’s promise, and this promise will never be destroyed. Isaiah 55:13

I believe God is showing His mightiness and His love for us through this tree.

 

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.

 

 

Unplug

We have become a society enslaved to technology and social media, therefore, I declare it’s time to unplug!

Yes, I realize you are reading this on a PC, laptop, a phone or some sort of iThingy, so please wait till you’re done reading to go unplugged. I am guilty of this so this isn’t a blog where I point my finger at everyone else and tell you how bad you are. No, I am guilty as well.

Summer vacation is over in 2 weeks (let me tell you this Stay Home Mom is eagerly counting down the days till first day of school.) My 7.5 year old daughter has been reading her booty off and winning prizes at the local library. Her last prize was a coupon for a free kid’s meal at, well I’m not sure I can say the name. Lets just say they have the BEST Southwestern Egg-rolls and back in 2002 N’Sync did a commercial singing about baby back ribs…you’re welcome. 😉

It’s been a while since we ate there and I was shocked to see they had touch screens on the table to read the menu and pay your bill. My daughter noticed they had games for $.99 on there as well. She asked if she could play one. Sorry sweetie, no. But I can’t just say no. I had to give her a 5 minute lecture about how that’s one of the problems with our society today. People are addicted to technology and we can’t even sit and eat with our family without have some kind of device in our hand stealing our attention. I told her dinner is a perfect time for us all to sit together and talk. Then my husband chimed in and told her “you’re welcome for having such good parents that love you and want to talk to you.” She just looked at me like, actually she wasn’t looking at me, she was blankly staring at something over my head.

I looked around at several of the tables and kids were playing on the touch screen and parents were on their own phones and no one was talking. No sharing of stories. No laughing. No pouring out of one’s soul. No dreaming for the future. Nothing. This made me sad. Sad for the kids who were missing out on learning from their parents. Sad for the parents missing out on what’s going on in their teen-age daughter’s life.

Now, I’m gonna be honest right now. We also had our 15 month old daughter who was being vocal in a not so cute way and I would have GLADLY paid someone $.99 to come and entertain her.

I realize the appeal of technology. I understand that technology and quiet kids go hand in hand. I know that when I allow my daughter to play games on my phone I have 30 minutes of quiet time. That’s right, I said my phone. She doesn’t have a phone or a Kindle or an iPad of her own and I limit her time playing games on mine.

I’m not judging you as a parent if your kids have their own technological devices. There is nothing wrong with that. All I’m saying is lets unplug for a while. Parents, sit down and talk with your kids. Ask them how their day was and when they say “good” don’t just take that as an acceptable answer. Ask them why it was good. Ask them open ended questions and allow them to ask you questions. Kids are like a sponge and when you pour time into them, they respond.

Happy talking!

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain!

Take That Flat Tire and Shove It

“Don’t live like God can do anything; live like He WILL.”

“If I truly believe in Jesus, I have to know everything will be ok.”

2 things I desperately needed to hear.  2 statements that I can throw in the devil’s face when I feel him creeping on me.

When we first moved to Austin, I was surrounded by new and this caused me to live in fear.  I seriously thought every time my phone rang it was a cop letting me know Brandn died.  It took a few months but I got over that ridiculousness.  Well the last month or so, that fear came back.  I’m a stay home mom and so this fear would hit everyday about 3pm if Brandn wasn’t home from work yet.  I would start to think he was in a car wreck and dead.  How would I breath?  What do I tell our girls?  I would have to go back to work.  How do you do that when you just lost your husband and your daughters just lost their dad?  What do you tell the interview person when she says “I see you were a stay home mom, what made you decide to come back to work?” “My husband just died and I have 2 kids and bills and a mortgage to pay” doesn’t exactly scream I’m awesome, hire me!

I was at a women’s conference this past weekend.  Lisa Harper was talking about being brave and she said “Don’t live like God can do anything; live like He WILL.”  She did a bravery alter call and I went up.  I knew it was time to kick this fear thing in the butt.  I knew it was time to let go.  You see, the devil tells us lies that are laced with truth which makes them oh so easy to believe.  The devil knows that fear is how he can get me; and I had had enough of it.  It’s time to be brave!

Well, you know what happened next?  I got to my car, it was after 9pm, I was in the back of a parking lot, it was freezing and starting to ice.  I had a freaking flat tire; are you kidding me?!?  I can’t change a tire.  I’ve tried.  I’m not strong enough to loosen the lug nuts.  I made a bold move to conquer my fear and within minutes, the devil tried to knock me down…that pissed me off.

The next day Christine Caine said “If I truly believe in Jesus, I have to know everything will be OK.”  She said she came to this realization when she was waiting 3 weeks to find out what stage her cancer was in.  She has a husband and 2 girls and she realized it was going to be OK if she died.  She spends her life serving God, and she knows that her God, her Jesus Christ, will make it ok no matter what.  MY.JESUS.WILL.MAKE.IT.OK.

I so needed to hear those 2 sentences.  I wrote them down.  I have memorized them.  I believe them. I know exactly what to tell the devil when fear starts rising up in me.  When I make a stand against the devil and he throws something in my way, like a flat tire, I have God’s truth to stand on and I will tell the devil to take his flat tire and shove it!

Uncertainty

So I find myself in very familiar yet very uncomfortable territory. We’ve been here several times in the 13 years that Brandn and I have been married, and let me tell you, it never gets easier. Billions of people around the world live in this same territory so I know I’m not alone, but that doesn’t make it any easier either.

We are currently living in the land of no insurance. I quit my job to stay home with our girls and when the month was up, so was our insurance. Every few years something happens and we are at this place again. I hate it here. I am anxious and I cry and stress out (actually I do this even when we have insurance but I’ll blame it on no insurance for now.) But the truth is, we make it through it every time.

I applied for insurance last week and we are currently in the “reviewing” period which could take 30-45 days. This is when fear creeps in. This is when my mind wanders and every fever, cough or car ride is a potential trip to the emergency room and a fat bill.

Psalm 31:23 says “Love the Lord you godly ones, for the Lord protects those that are faithful to him.” I have been praying this over my family for years. This prayer once allowed Brandn to levitate to avoid stepping on a rattle snake out in the middle of no where.

The sad part is I find my comfort in a small, plastic insurance card when I should find my comfort in God and trust Him to be in control. Why is this? Why do I doubt and allow fear into my heart at times like these? My only answer is I’m human. If I could live a fearless life, I wouldn’t need Him. God knows my weakness, He created me. He knows where I fail; and this is one reoccurring area.

When we first moved to Austin and insurance less, I was a hot mess, but God showed up in big ways. I know He’s always here, but at that time, He knew I needed some obvious and immediate slap-my-face reassurance, so He gave them to me.

Well, I’m back in the same place I was before. We went out of town a few days ago which involved 3 hours of interstate highway travel. You better believe I was praying for protection the whole time. Well, obviously we didn’t die so I’m giving God the praise on this one.

Looking back, God has NEVER failed me, so why would I think He would start now? God promises me He will never fail or forsake me, that He has a prosperous plan for my future, that He sees me and loves me and will protect me and my family.

I have been holding onto this song. If you find yourself walking through uncertain times, listen and meditate on the words. These…words…are…truth!

 

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.

 

A Brave New World

Nope, sorry slacker high-school students, this isn’t a book report; you’re gonna have to read the Cliff’s Notes on your own.  I read this book in high school and honestly, I don’t remember a single thing about it.

I am embarking on a brave new world.  I’m saying sayonara to the “corporate” world and hello to the “did I take a shower yesterday” world, also known as a Stay Home Mom.

I decided not to go back after my maternity leave; this was something both my husband and I wanted for a while but didn’t think it possible.  We think it’s gonna work out financially, but we’ll see.  I’m betting my sanity runs out before the money does.  My older daughter and I are so alike yet so different there will be days when we’re both in time-out..

For the older one: I want to be the one to take you to school and pick you up.  I want to be the mom that knows all the kids and volunteers at your school.  I will be all up in your business.  I aspire to be “that” mom.  You know, the one that brings raisins and applesauce cupcakes laced with carrots and spinach on Halloween and give everyone my cell phone number to plan play dates.  I have bought a new “stay home mom” wardrobe so that I look cute when I’m at your school; my actions will embarrass you, my clothes will not.  I want you to know your day matters to me.

For the baby:  I want to be the one feeding you and changing your diapers.  I want to be the one that kisses your tears away when you’re screaming and I have no idea why and then start crying with you.  I want to be the one to snuggle you in the afternoon when we both have calmed down.  I want to be the one to get your smiles and I want you to get mine.  I want you to know your day matters to me.

For my husband:  I want to be the one to great you after work with a hug and I promise I won’t be wearing the same pjs as when you left.  I want the house to always be clean not disgusting.  Now that I’m doing the grocery shopping I will try my hardest to always have hummus and Triscuits for you (we’re out of hummus, maybe this will start tomorrow.)  I will do more cooking but I can’t guarantee you will always like it.  I want you to know your day matters to me.

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.

Labor 101

If there was a class taught at the local mommy hang out place called “Labor 101”, I would not be qualified to teach it. Heck, I would be qualified to completely fail it.  I have 2 children (6.5 years old and 13 days old) and I still am clueless about being in labor.  Let me share my 2 experiences with you:

Rewind 6.5 years ago.  I was at home and due in 2 days.  I started noticing my stomach hurting every so often but didn’t think much about it.  Then I kept having to go to the bathroom, but I was a grown, potty-trained woman so I couldn’t understand why it felt like I was slightly peeing myself.  When my stomach aches really starting hurting I finally called my doctor.  I explained to the nurse what was going on and she told me to go to the hospital.  Well like I said, I was due in 2 days so I really didn’t see why she was sending me there.  I called my husband at work and my part of the conversation went a little like this:

“My stomach hurts and I’m NOT peeing myself but the nurse said I need to go to the hospital…no I don’t think I’m having contractions….well I’m not due for 2 more days…no I don’t think you need to meet me at the hospital; they’ll probably just send me home….no really, you don’t have…fine, I’ll see you in a minute.

When we arrived, I was dilated to a 4 and my amniotic fluid was leaking.  The nurse there said “congratulations, you’re having a baby today!”  We arrived at 10:45am and Danica was born at 4:45pm.

–

13 Days ago.  I was at work and due in 9 days.  It was” Sales Meeting” day, the biggest day of the month where the President, Vice President, the whole Sales team and corporate visitors were in a meeting and I’m in-charge of the books, set-up, breakfast, lunch, drinks and clean up.  I started noticing contractions around 9am and they were every 4-7 minutes.  I know 5 minutes is the magic number BUT I wasn’t due for 9 days and I had some contractions that were 7 minutes apart.  7 is NOT 5 so I kept on working.  At 10:30am I couldn’t hang any longer.  Much to my co-worker’s dismay, I drove myself to the hospital.  I called my husband and my part of the conversation went a little like this:

“I’m going to the hospital, I’m having contractions…no, I don’t think I’m in labor, I’m not due for 9 days….7 minutes, I think you’re in labor when they’re 5 minutes apart so they’ll probably send me home….no you don’t need to leave work….no really….fine, I’ll meet you there.

When I arrived the first thing out of my mouth was “I want an epidural.”  The nurse said, “yep, you’re in labor.”  I was dilated to a 6 and signing all the necessary paperwork in-between contractions.  I didn’t give a crap about what I was signing, all I wanted was that stupid epidural.  I arrived at 11am and Willow was born at 2:25pm.

While pushing for an hour, the 3 reoccurring thoughts I had were: 1) Dear Jesus, please get this baby out of me. 2) Darn you Adam and Eve, this pain is all your fault.  3) I would love a c-section right now.

–

Clearly I know nothing about the signs of labor.  Only about 5% of babies are actually born on their due date; it should be renamed to Estimated Time of Arrival, so smart girls like me won’t think that is the day the baby will actually be born. If you are pregnant and are due soon, if you have stomach aches that are consistently 4-7 minutes apart or you are constantly wiping yourself, this might be a really good time to contact your doctor.

My girls…Danica and Willow

 

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain!