Archive | May, 2014

How He Loves

23 May

So there’s this song that used to make me cry every time I heard it, well not every time but 90% of the time.  (No, it’s not the Christmas Shoe song.  I know this song touches a lot of people, but I guess my heart is a little too cold.)  The first time was years ago when I dropped my daughter off on my way to work.  You see, I had been home with her for 7 months and I was going back to work.  It’s not like I was dropping her off at a day care where she didn’t know anybody; I dropped her off with my mother-in-law, so I knew she was in great hands.  I drove off and this song came on and I cried my eyes out.  I’m not talking cute cry, I’m talking ugly, snot slinging cry.

I felt horrible.  I felt guilty for going back to work, heartbroken that my mother-in-law would spend more time with her than I would, guilty for not enjoying every single second I had with her – let’s be honest, potty training sucks but I was looking back and remembering pee spots with fondness.  I’m a momma and when my “momma guilt” kicks in, it kicks in heavy.

When we decided to leave our very comfortable life (good paying jobs, home, family, insurance) in San Angelo, Tx and move to Austin, Tx (where we had no jobs, no home, no family nor insurance) I would cry even harder whenever I heard the same song.

I wouldn’t cry because it’s sad.  I cried because it’s about God’s beautiful love for us.  I cried because we moved away from family (Brandn’s mom, my mom, my sister-in-law) people I miss dearly.  But because God loves me, He provided friends that became family.  Even though we didn’t have insurance, God provided by keeping us safe and healthy.

The crying has since stopped…until last Sunday that is.  We were at church and the worship team sang it.  I was there with my husband and holding my 5 week old daughter and the tears started again.  Every good and perfect gift is from God and there I was with my latest gift, my baby girl.  I waited a long time for her and shed a lot of “I want a baby” tears in the 6.5 years between the births of my girls.

If I were to step back and look at my life, I would see how God never left my side; even when I didn’t see Him, feel Him or when I turned my back on Him.  His hand has been all over my life and it’s a beautiful reminder of how much He loves me….and you.

Some people find it hard to believe that God loves them.  We project our worldly understanding of love onto Him.  It’s hard to grasp the immense love God has for us because we haven’t experienced that kind of love from people.  When people who are supposed to love us and make us feel safe hurt us it taints our understanding of love.  How can you understand true love when your father was absent, your mother abandoned you, your grandfather did horrible things to you, your step-dad was mean, your spouse abused you?  It doesn’t make sense.

Let me tell you…God loves you.  The Bible says “We love Him because He loved us first.”  He loved us first, that’s it.  Not because of anything we did or will do.  He simply loves us.  He knows every thing that is ugly and true about us.  He knows every unspoken thought.  He doesn’t hold anything against us. It’s an unconditional love and it’s pure and true.

I look at my girls and I love them so much it hurts; there is no possible way I could love them any more.  I think of all the parents who have lost children and it kills me.  I pray all the time for God to protect my girls because if anything ever happened to them I would seriously go crazy.  And then I think God loves me way more than I love my girls and that blows my mind!!  He simply loves me because I’m me.

And He  loves you because you are you.

Get comfy for the next 4 minutes and watch this and let the words sink in.

 

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.

Superwoman

2 May

Everything to everyone, that is what I’m trying to be. I feel like I need to be the perfect wife and mother.  I feel guilty staying home on maternity leave and I think I need to be earning my keep as a domestic.  No one has put this expectation on me, well, that’s a lie.  I have placed this expectation on myself.  I have the most supportive husband and everyday before he goes off to work he tells me to take a nap and watch 2 movies.  And I’m like, OK Crackhead; I’ll squeeze that in between the dishes, pumping and the laundry.

When our first daughter was born, I overdid it and was back at the doctor’s office within a week.  I’m a slow learner and  I was at the doctor’s office yesterday.  She told me to take it easy; easier said than done.  I think I should be able to do it all despite the fact that I had a baby 17 days ago.

Since Brandn is back at work, I try to get up with Willow every night so he doesn’t have too.  Last night, however, was a different story.  I was up with her for an hour and a half and she was still wide awake.  At that point I let him take over and of course she fell asleep for him.  I also think since I’m home there is no excuse to have dirty dishes or laundry piling up.   My house has no carpet so I’m constantly sweeping; he has threatened to hide all the brooms. This is no joke; dirty floors makes me go crazy.  He was sweeping last night at 9:30 because he knew I would do it today once he left.

I want to be Supermom for Danica.  I don’t want her to feel left out or neglected now that Willow’s here.  I get her up in the morning, fix her hair and lunch and make sure I smother her with kisses before school.  I help her with homework and read to her every night before bed.

To Willow, I have to be everything.  The only 2 things she has mastered are scream till her little face turns purple and poop.  Everything else is up to me till Brandn comes home.

When I go out I don’t want to look like the lady that just had a baby so I make sure my clothes are cute and that I’ve fixed my hair.  Which is interesting because I believe pajamas are perfectly acceptable in public.

Why do I feel the need to prove myself?

I don’ know…I guess I want everyone to think I have it all together.  I normally don’t care what others think of me and I don’t know why it matters now.

Yesterday I realized I’m not Superwoman and it was a hard, emotional day.  Once the tears started they didn’t stop.

The facade stops now.  The truth is I’m a woman that just had a baby and I’m sleep deprived and cranky.  I have sore nipples.  I drink prune juice.  I have unfortunate stitches that are still bleeding and makes it impossible to sit for longer than 15 minutes.  I have dirty floors and I’m self conscious about my weight.

I’m a hot mess and its time to stop hiding it; that takes too much energy and I’m running on a limited supply right now.

 

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.