So there’s this song that used to make me cry every time I heard it, well not every time but 90% of the time. (No, it’s not the Christmas Shoe song. I know this song touches a lot of people, but I guess my heart is a little too cold.) The first time was years ago when I dropped my daughter off on my way to work. You see, I had been home with her for 7 months and I was going back to work. It’s not like I was dropping her off at a day care where she didn’t know anybody; I dropped her off with my mother-in-law, so I knew she was in great hands. I drove off and this song came on and I cried my eyes out. I’m not talking cute cry, I’m talking ugly, snot slinging cry.
I felt horrible. I felt guilty for going back to work, heartbroken that my mother-in-law would spend more time with her than I would, guilty for not enjoying every single second I had with her – let’s be honest, potty training sucks but I was looking back and remembering pee spots with fondness. I’m a momma and when my “momma guilt” kicks in, it kicks in heavy.
When we decided to leave our very comfortable life (good paying jobs, home, family, insurance) in San Angelo, Tx and move to Austin, Tx (where we had no jobs, no home, no family nor insurance) I would cry even harder whenever I heard the same song.
I wouldn’t cry because it’s sad. I cried because it’s about God’s beautiful love for us. I cried because we moved away from family (Brandn’s mom, my mom, my sister-in-law) people I miss dearly. But because God loves me, He provided friends that became family. Even though we didn’t have insurance, God provided by keeping us safe and healthy.
The crying has since stopped…until last Sunday that is. We were at church and the worship team sang it. I was there with my husband and holding my 5 week old daughter and the tears started again. Every good and perfect gift is from God and there I was with my latest gift, my baby girl. I waited a long time for her and shed a lot of “I want a baby” tears in the 6.5 years between the births of my girls.
If I were to step back and look at my life, I would see how God never left my side; even when I didn’t see Him, feel Him or when I turned my back on Him. His hand has been all over my life and it’s a beautiful reminder of how much He loves me….and you.
Some people find it hard to believe that God loves them. We project our worldly understanding of love onto Him. It’s hard to grasp the immense love God has for us because we haven’t experienced that kind of love from people. When people who are supposed to love us and make us feel safe hurt us it taints our understanding of love. How can you understand true love when your father was absent, your mother abandoned you, your grandfather did horrible things to you, your step-dad was mean, your spouse abused you? It doesn’t make sense.
Let me tell you…God loves you. The Bible says “We love Him because He loved us first.” He loved us first, that’s it. Not because of anything we did or will do. He simply loves us. He knows every thing that is ugly and true about us. He knows every unspoken thought. He doesn’t hold anything against us. It’s an unconditional love and it’s pure and true.
I look at my girls and I love them so much it hurts; there is no possible way I could love them any more. I think of all the parents who have lost children and it kills me. I pray all the time for God to protect my girls because if anything ever happened to them I would seriously go crazy. And then I think God loves me way more than I love my girls and that blows my mind!! He simply loves me because I’m me.
And He loves you because you are you.
Get comfy for the next 4 minutes and watch this and let the words sink in.
Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.