Archive | July, 2012

I Blame Jesus

23 Jul

What do you do when something isn’t enough? That’s where I find myself. I do something, but I should be doing more. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do; I just know it’s more.

I cried. Not a sweet, delicate cry but an ugly cry. I cried for the little I’m actually doing. I am turning into a neurotic mess. What prompted this emotional meltdown? Weeeeeell, I blame it on Jesus, Jen Hatmaker, and Richard Stearns, but mostly I blame Jesus. Who are these people and how are they wrecking me?

Jesus. The man who walked this earth and died for me. The man who hung out with prostitutes, tax collectors, leapers and who called the “religious” people of the time hypocrites and snakes. The man who said sell everything you have, give it to the poor and come follow me. The man who challenges me daily to not talk the talk, but to walk the walk.

Jen Hatmaker. The woman who prayed “rise up in me a holy passion” and whose life was forever changed. She is an author and 2 of her books, Interrupted and 7, have seriously changed my life. She takes Jesus’ concepts and tries her hardest to live by them.  She is hilarious and honestly shares her success as well as her failures; she is definitely walking the walk. Because of her, I struggle with throwing leftover food out because there are people dying all over the world of starvation; my poor husband had to eat nachos with peas and carrots mixed in b/c I refused to let them go bad. Read that awesome blog here. I blame Jen that I can’t drive to my friend’s house thats right down the street. It is a waste of gas and I need to do my part to be green and lessen the carbon footprint I leave behind. I walked there yesterday even though it was 1 million degrees outside (serious, not exaggerating at all.) I was wearing jeans and carrying a bottle of creamer and a veggie tray that weighed at least 50 pounds! I arrived one sweaty mess but hey, I wasn’t responsible for any pollution!  You’re welcome great-grandkids.

Richard Stearns is the COE of World Vision. I’m currently reading his book The Hole in our Gospel. This book talks about what Jesus expects from us. So many Christians are so focused on salvation and getting people to heaven they forget about their current lives on earth. Yes, God’s perfect will is for everyone to go to heaven but I’m almost positive He doesn’t want them living in hell while still here on earth. This isn’t a book that pushes sponsorship of children. It’s a book that talks about our responsibility as Christians to actually be God’s hand and feet; to bring the good news (the gospel, food, clothes, money, encouragement, love etc) to the hurting, the poor and the broken. We are to continually do this, not just when it’s convenient for us or our checkbooks.

I watched machine Gun Preacher this weekend. I cried so much that tears were flowing like a river down my neck and into my boobs. When the movie was over I still cried for a good while. I told Brandn that was a horrible movie; not because the movie was bad but because it was TRUE!  These horrific things take place daily and have to be stopped.

My heart has been stirring and breaking for the children of Africa lately. I can’t tell you why, it just has. I have to help, but how? I have no freaking idea. Brandn and I have several sponsor children in Africa and we support pregnant women there too; but that isn’t enough. If I could, I would adopt all the kids in Sudan, but that’s just crazy talk. I don’t want to be the crazy lady that gets swept up in emotion and is gung-ho for a while but then does nothing after the emotion wears off. I don’t want to be the person that talks the talk but doesn’t walk the walk. So, how do I walk the walk?

I’ve been praying lately for God to show me. I need God to open my eyes and heart to do what He wants me to do. You better believe I’ve been praying for God to move in my husband as well. I don’t want to be the neurotic lady that wants to do all these things with the husband that just rolls his eyes and goes along for the ride. No. I want to be the neurotic couple that stands together. I want him to be right there with me. I want him to cry and have his heart broken as well; you’re welcome babe, I love you!

I need prayer. I need you to pray for Brandn and me, for us to be open to God’s will in our lives and to act when and how He tells us to.

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.

Nana = Love

19 Jul

So again I find myself with too much on my mind. Thought about a blog about yesterday and it felt forced. I don’t want to force myself to write, just to publish another blog. I want it to be good. You take time out of your day to read what’s swimming around in my brain so I don’t want to waste your precious time.

So here goes….

My father is in PA right now visiting his mom. We call her Nana. She has Alzheimer’s. This disease is awful. She’s no longer in her house, the place she called home forever. She’s in a nursing home and doesn’t remember where she is. Sometimes she remembers her kids, sometimes she doesn’t. My dad is going through the house collecting her personal items before the crew comes in and disposes of all her stuff. This stuff represents her life and it will all be put into bags and hauled away soon.

This is depressing. What’s the point? At the end of your life you can’t take anything with you. We’ve all heard the stupid saying “you never see a hearse pulling a U-Haul.” I guess I never thought about that till now. My Nana won’t take anything with her. But what about what she leaves behind? Kids. Grand kids. Great grand kids. Memories.

I’ll share some of my memories with you:

She always had Ginger Ale in her fridge. Not a 2L bottle but the cute, little green, glass bottles. Every time I see those I think of her. She also always had salami too. I LOVE salami; we will buy a pound and eat it in days. It’s disgusting how much salami I can eat yet so wonderful at the same time. She wrapped the lunch meat and cheese in saran wrap and placed in Tupperware. We had to use a fork to get a piece out and then wrap it back up again; no getting it out with your fingers, this was not allowed. Only touch the piece you will eat! This analness was passed down to my father. If I grab a piece of lunchmeat or cheese with my fingers, it’s the end of the world in their house. Not in my house though; it’s a lunchmeat and cheese free-for-all! I’m such a rebel.

Sitting at her small table in the kitchen learning to play Solitaire and always trying to catch her cheating.

Eating the best homemade, Italian food. Scarpellis. Yum. They are thin, crepe like things that she would fill with cheese and pour chicken broth over them. I remember stirring a huge pot of pasta sauce.

Werther’s Original.
Her “shows” aka soap operas.

Getting yelled at for sliding down the stairs.

I could share more, but I won’t.

She is Nana, and she is loved by many.

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.

Brain overload

9 Jul

I have a ton of things on my mind. I’ll share a few with you and I will try to make it easy to follow. There’s a reason I end all my blogs with “welcome to my brain.”  My brain is an adventure, a very complicated, beautiful and crazy adventure. lol

— I’m drinking coffee today which is not the norm for me. (I know I talk about Starbucks all the time but I only go there because sweet Robert fuels my Starbucks addiction with gift cards, I’m not complaining or blaming; please keep them coming. 😉 I usually hit Starbucks on the way to work after a night of being on-call; this is my way of celebrating the end of on-call for the week.) Yesterday while we were at crappy-crappy Wal-Mart, Brandn bought Heath Bar creamer. Yes I took a swig of it when we got home and it was amazing! I’m only drinking coffee this morning so I can have the creamer.

— I hate Wal-Mart. We are in the process of buying a house in Round Rock and the ridiculously, glorious HEB Plus is down the street and this makes me way happier than it should.

— My feelings got hurt this weekend. Did my friend mean to? Nope! Should this have hurt my feelings? Nope! Do I have a problem with making things personal that are in no way personal? Yep! Am I slightly narcistic and like to turn things that aren’t about me into things that are about me? Yep! Maybe this is why I started blogging. I think I’m brilliant and this way the whole world will know I’m brilliant too. And by the whole world I mean tens of people that subscribed to my blog because they felt obligated to because we are family.

— Being totally honest: It’s been a while since I’ve read my Bible. I’ve opened it to look for a particular verse or during Sunday service but to actually read it in my free time for my own personal benefit; it’s been a while. I’m not proud of this. I know I should have quiet time and read my Bible daily. I normally do but the last few weeks I haven’t. I can blame it on whatever I want to, but it doesn’t matter. Jesus doesn’t want my excuses, He wants me.

— I see a crossroads in my near future. I have to make a decision about something I’ve been struggling with for a while now. I didn’t know what to do so I asked God to make it obvious, and He did. I wasn’t very happy about how He chose to make it obvious but that’s what I prayed for and He answered my prayer.

— I pray every morning for God to use me to show His love to others; I hope I did that today.  I drove past a lady holding a sign that said “I’m sorry to ask but I lost my job and we need help with food.”  Something about her was different.  She didn’t make eye contact and it looked like she felt uncomfortable there.  I rolled down my window and told her I didn’t have any food or money and all I had was yummy smelling Bath and Body Works lotion and she could have it.  She took it and said “thanks, I’m so hot.” As I drove past her I saw an HEB.  I ran in and bought her some groceries and a cold bottle of water.  As I gave her the groceries for a split second I wanted to ask for my lotion back but I didn’t.  That would make me a jerk.

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.