What do you do when something isn’t enough? That’s where I find myself. I do something, but I should be doing more. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do; I just know it’s more.
I cried. Not a sweet, delicate cry but an ugly cry. I cried for the little I’m actually doing. I am turning into a neurotic mess. What prompted this emotional meltdown? Weeeeeell, I blame it on Jesus, Jen Hatmaker, and Richard Stearns, but mostly I blame Jesus. Who are these people and how are they wrecking me?
Jesus. The man who walked this earth and died for me. The man who hung out with prostitutes, tax collectors, leapers and who called the “religious” people of the time hypocrites and snakes. The man who said sell everything you have, give it to the poor and come follow me. The man who challenges me daily to not talk the talk, but to walk the walk.
Jen Hatmaker. The woman who prayed “rise up in me a holy passion” and whose life was forever changed. She is an author and 2 of her books, Interrupted and 7, have seriously changed my life. She takes Jesus’ concepts and tries her hardest to live by them. She is hilarious and honestly shares her success as well as her failures; she is definitely walking the walk. Because of her, I struggle with throwing leftover food out because there are people dying all over the world of starvation; my poor husband had to eat nachos with peas and carrots mixed in b/c I refused to let them go bad. Read that awesome blog here. I blame Jen that I can’t drive to my friend’s house thats right down the street. It is a waste of gas and I need to do my part to be green and lessen the carbon footprint I leave behind. I walked there yesterday even though it was 1 million degrees outside (serious, not exaggerating at all.) I was wearing jeans and carrying a bottle of creamer and a veggie tray that weighed at least 50 pounds! I arrived one sweaty mess but hey, I wasn’t responsible for any pollution! You’re welcome great-grandkids.
Richard Stearns is the COE of World Vision. I’m currently reading his book The Hole in our Gospel. This book talks about what Jesus expects from us. So many Christians are so focused on salvation and getting people to heaven they forget about their current lives on earth. Yes, God’s perfect will is for everyone to go to heaven but I’m almost positive He doesn’t want them living in hell while still here on earth. This isn’t a book that pushes sponsorship of children. It’s a book that talks about our responsibility as Christians to actually be God’s hand and feet; to bring the good news (the gospel, food, clothes, money, encouragement, love etc) to the hurting, the poor and the broken. We are to continually do this, not just when it’s convenient for us or our checkbooks.
I watched machine Gun Preacher this weekend. I cried so much that tears were flowing like a river down my neck and into my boobs. When the movie was over I still cried for a good while. I told Brandn that was a horrible movie; not because the movie was bad but because it was TRUE! These horrific things take place daily and have to be stopped.
My heart has been stirring and breaking for the children of Africa lately. I can’t tell you why, it just has. I have to help, but how? I have no freaking idea. Brandn and I have several sponsor children in Africa and we support pregnant women there too; but that isn’t enough. If I could, I would adopt all the kids in Sudan, but that’s just crazy talk. I don’t want to be the crazy lady that gets swept up in emotion and is gung-ho for a while but then does nothing after the emotion wears off. I don’t want to be the person that talks the talk but doesn’t walk the walk. So, how do I walk the walk?
I’ve been praying lately for God to show me. I need God to open my eyes and heart to do what He wants me to do. You better believe I’ve been praying for God to move in my husband as well. I don’t want to be the neurotic lady that wants to do all these things with the husband that just rolls his eyes and goes along for the ride. No. I want to be the neurotic couple that stands together. I want him to be right there with me. I want him to cry and have his heart broken as well; you’re welcome babe, I love you!
I need prayer. I need you to pray for Brandn and me, for us to be open to God’s will in our lives and to act when and how He tells us to.
Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.