Archive | May, 2012

Don’t quote me scripture

31 May

When it comes to my friends and family, I’m an optimistic, when it comes to myself I’m worse than a pessimistic.

I can blow smoke up any body’s butt.  I can encourage you and be your biggest cheerleader.  I can quote scripture, and believe it.  I can pray for/with you and fully believe the prayers will be answered.  I can turn tears into laughter…I can do all that for other people.  I believe the glass is half full and we can fill the other half with rainbows, butterflies and bubbles.

When it comes to me, I’m 100% doom and gloom.  I think the glass is half empty.  Correction.  I KNOW the glass is bone dry and I will throw it across the room and shatter it on the wall so it will be broken into 1 million pieces and never hold water again.  You think I’m exaggerating, I tend to do that, but this is no exaggeration.

Why is this?  Why do I believe things will work out for other people but not me?  I know God sees me.  I know God hears me.  I know He loves me and will never leave me.  So why do I have so little faith?  Good question.

Last night sucked and the suckiness spilled over into this morning.  I cried all the way to work and what was supposed to be a “thank-you for being thoughtful” message to someone turned into a “the end of the world cry-fest.”  His response???  A very sincere, heart-felt, much appreciated prayer.  He prayed for Brandn and me.  I have literally prayed some of those exact words over other people and believed with all my heart those words were true.  So why do I not believe them to be true for me?  I guess it’s easier to stay in my state of panic than it is to pull out of it.  When I get in this state of mind I find I can pull out of it by praying for other people, it takes my focus off me and my issue.

When I start honoring God and praying for other people it reminds all these good things and promises God has for others, He has for me too.

Will this teach me a lesson and help me to not freak out in the future?   Ummm…..NO.  That’s part of me.  I freak out when ever money is involved and money is always involved so I always freak out.  When I am freaking out, if you (and by “you” I mean Brandn) quote me scripture, I will punch you.  Brandn has recently learned NOT to quote me Matthew 6 or Philippians 4:6 but instead to say “you’re right, this does suck but we will get through it.”  This usually makes me laugh and I start pulling through soon after.

This verse got me through some rough times, I hope it does the same for you: “Love the Lord you godly ones for the Lord protects those that are faithful to Him.” – Psalms 31:23

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.

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How many naked Barbies does one really need?

28 May

Just cleaned my 4 year old daughter’s closet….whew, that felt great!!!

You see, I hate clutter.  It stresses me out.  It does not stress out my husband or daughter.  Every so often I get a bug up my butt I run around the house like a crazy woman and I try to throw everything out.  My husband came up with this cute nick-name for me “The trash Nazi.”  When I get to Danica’s closet it usually turns into a battle and when I throw something into the trash pile she cries “But mom, that’s special!”  Then she goes running, with huge tears in her eyes, to Brandn and tells on me.  So he is looking at his sweet, daughter with curly pig tails and big tears in her eyes and his psychotic wife with a crazy look in her eyes and OF COURSE I’m gonna loose this battle.  Weeeelllllll, she is out of town this week and as soon as she left Austin city limits I attacked her closet.  🙂

I had 2 piles: a trash pile and an orphan pile.  June 30th, my church is having a Garage Sale 4 Orphans.  Danica has way too many toys that she doesn’t play with but they are still in good shape so they are going to be sold to raise money to feed, clothe, educate, house and protect orphans.  She has so much stuff and there are kids out there with nothing.  If getting rid of her stuff can provide shelter for a 10 year old girl to keep her off the streets and out of human trafficking then by God I’m gonna sell it!

I thought about posting a picture of the orphan pile but I don’t want my friends and family members to see stuff they gave us and have their feelings hurt.  I will say there are about 10 stuffed animals, 5 pairs of shoes, puzzles, dolls, and a bunch of random toys.  I found 6 naked Barbies, but she plays with these so I dressed them, gave them their dignity back, and kept them; I did however throw away the one with the broken head.

New thought but completely related:

I’m reading a book right now called “7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess” by Jen Hatmaker.  Brandn, thinks I have a girl crush on Jen and he calls her my girlfriend.  Read my friend’s blog/book review about it.  Jen fasted for 7 months and each month had a different focus: clothes, shopping, waste, food, possessions, media and stress.

Hopefully you didn’t quit reading when you read the word “fast.”  Some people get weirded out by fasting but this is what she has to say about it.  “When we hear “fast,” we put on a yoke of self-denial.  When God said “fast,” He meant to take off the yoke of oppression.  The Isaiah 58 fast is not about the mechanics of abstinence; it is a fast from self-obsession, greed, apathy and elitism. When it becomes more about me than the marginalized I’ve been charged to serve, I become the confused voice in this passage: “Why have I fasted and you have not seen it?”

Month 1 she fasted food; this chapter made me more aware about NOT wasting food.  Month 2 she fasted clothes.  I went through my closet and pulled out everything I haven’t worn since moving to Austin and I gave them to a friend.  Month 3 she fasted possessions.  She started off saying she was going to give away 7 items a day for the whole month; that’s 210 items.  This number sounded insane to me.  Well she ended up giving away over 1000 items, and still has plenty more to give away!  I’m not talking about items like a fork or towel. No,  I’m talking about her and her friends giving away enough stuff to completely furnish an empty apartment for a single mom and her 2 daughters and a refugee Burmese family with literally only the clothes on their backs.  They gave away beds, TVs, clothes, furniture, dishes, stocked the pantries.  They prayed that God was evident in every single item they took for granted.  The email the single mom wrote to thank them brought me to tears.  Month 3 has caused me to cry 3 times and I’m not done with it yet.

So Month 3 inspired me to give away Danica’s toys instead of keeping them.  (See, I told you the thoughts were related.)  These are not played with toys; all they do is collect dust and cause me stress.  By selling this stuff money will be raised to help elevate kids from poverty and the toys get a second chance of being played with and loved, Toy Story anyone?

If we all raised others up instead of raising ourselves a little higher, there would be few needs left on earth – Jen Hatmaker.

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.

Tired of being gross (week 4)

23 May

Day 26 of my 90 Day Challenge

Let me start of by apologizing.  I promised you I would post this blog every Tuesday.  Well it’s Wednesday and for those of you who woke up Tuesday looking forward to my update, I’m sorry.  I realize the disappointment I must have caused you; kinda like if you woke up Christmas morning only to find it was pushed back one day.  I will try not to let this happen again.  😉

So today is day 26 and I’m holding steady at 125 pounds.  I haven’t stayed at this weight since before my daughter was born so I’m quite pleased with this.  However; I want to hold steady around 120 pounds.  I guess the ViSalus shakes and the amount of running I’m doing is causing me to maintain so if I want to loose more I need to burn more calories. Boooo.

Last weekend I decided to start running 2 miles on the treadmill every morning before work and add push-ups and sit-up.  I woke up Monday excited and ran my 2 miles and I did 25 push-ups and 35 sit-ups.  I was feeling so good about myself that I actually did my hair before work. I woke up Tuesday ready to work out again and it hurt getting out of bed.  My measly 25 push-ups and 35 sit-up caused me to be crazy sore so I did what any normal person would do; go back to bed! I knew this morning was gonna be hectic so I didn’t run either.  So far I have run 1 out of the last 3 morning; this isn’t gonna help me loose any weight.  I WILL run tomorrow morning.

Ran:

This week I ran 6.5 miles on Saturday morning.  It felt great!  I pulled a Forrest Gump and kept on running.  Wednesday morning I went into work late so I ran 5 miles and Monday morning I ran 2.  I’m pretty pumped that I can run these distances with out walking.  It took several, several months to get here.  I remember the first time I tried 2.5 miles around the neighborhood I walked most of it and wanted to puke afterwards.

Shakes:

Still making my shakes for lunch with the Visalus shake mix and fruit blended in.

 

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.

Starbucks and a homeless man

21 May

I’m the first person to blab on myself when I do something stupid.  One of my goals in life is to make people laugh and I do some funny stuff, so naturally I enjoy sharing my experiences with others.  Like the one time I walked out of the bathroom, at work, with my dress tucked into my panties…did I say 1 time?  I meant 2 times.   So if I’m gonna blab on myself when I do silly stuff, I should  blabv about my failures too.

I’m going to be 100% honest and transparent so please don’t judge me and please continue to like me.

I’m a church planter and a pastor’s wife so some people may think I’m supposed to be “holier than others” and they expect more out of me.  Well I’m human and I’m far from perfect.  Since moving to Austin God has really been dealing with me about loving others.  Not friends and family others but strangers, specifically homeless people.  (I’m not looking for a debate about giving homeless people money or not, I’m just telling you about what God’s placing on my heart.)

I drive past a homeless man every Sunday on the way to church.  I have occasionally offered him food in the past and one time I had a conversation with him and he made me cry because he said the stuff I offered him was pointless and homeless people don’t really need that stuff.  This pissed me off and I drove away crying.  Was I mad because he hurt my feelings or was I mad because he knocked me off my “high horse” and I wasn’t able to be his rescuer that morning?  It was a little of both.  Yes, I wanted to help him BUT I knew that helping him would make me feel better about myself and I wanted to leave that situation feeling like a hero.  He didn’t let me do that, hence the pissed off tears.

Well 3 weeks ago God moved in my heart and I decided to bring him breakfast every week.  Sunday mornings are pretty hectic at our house and I’m kinda forgetful so I set a reminder on my phone to go off at 7:45am reminding me to grab him something.  Last Sunday I rolled down my window and asked him his name; it’s Lawrence.  I handed him some peanut butter crackers and a banana and told him I drive past him every Sunday on the way to church and  I plan on bringing him breakfast every Sunday.

This morning my reminder went off and I grabbed a granola bar and a banana.  We hit Starbucks on the way to church and I was enjoying my no-fat, vanilla latte.  (The purchases this morning brought me to gold member status and I was feeling pretty good about this.  This new gold-member status doesn’t mean anything…well, actually it means I drink way too much Starbucks…thanks for the gift card Robert!)

As we approached Lawrence I felt a tugging at my heart and I thought “Oh crap, God wants me to give my no-fat vanilla, latte to Lawrence.”  I tried to ignore the tugging but it didn’t go away.  I had been looking forward to my coffee since last night and I didn’t want to part with it.  I actually thought I’m giving him breakfast, I don’t need to give him my coffee too.  Well we pulled up to give Lawrence the food and let me tell you how totally relieved I was when I saw he was already drinking a Starbucks coffee, thank you Jesus, I didn’t have to part with mine.

Failure!!!

God is love.  He calls us to love others, no, He commands us to love others.  We’re supposed to love others like HE loves them, not how WE WANT to love them.  This is a hard lesson and I’m still learning it.

 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.  The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself.  There is no commandment greater than these.”  Mark 12:30-31

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.

My taller little sister

17 May

We went to Denton last weekend to celebrate my sister’s graduation.  She graduated from Texas Women’s University with a degree in Dental hygiene.  This is a major accomplishment.  They decided to change the course curriculum while she was in the middle of it and it kinda screwed her over.  She had to take mandatory classes that 2 semesters later were no longer mandatory and she had to put up with a lot of unnecessary crap because the professors couldn’t agree on anything.   Well it’s all over now and whatever dentist hires her is lucky to have her.

I first met Natalie when she was 8 and I was 15 (I think, it was a long time ago.)  Technically she is a step-sister but I love her like a sister and when I talk about her, I call her my sister.  When her mom and my dad first got married I wasn’t the best sister to her.  I was too obsessed with myself and boys to pay much attention to her.  Example:  She broke her thumb playing soccer and had to wear a cast for like 2 months.  I don’t remember this.  We lived in the same house, you would think I would notice a cast on her arm for 2 months, but I didn’t.  I only know she broke her thumb because I saw it an old picture one day and asked about it.

(Me and Nat a VERY long time ago)

Natalie is incredible.  She had some bad things happen to her, stuff that should never happen to anybody.  But she didn’t allow it to turn her into a victim.  She spoke up, got counseling and was able to overcome and come out stronger!  She didn’t succumb to pressure from some family members to “sweep it under the rug” and ignore it.  Nope, she speaks up when something isn’t right.  She did that during college too; she spoke up after she witnessed things her professors doing that were wrong.  It may have cost her some awards at graduation but she realizes doing what’s right is more important that being the “good girl” and getting recognition.

  (My family a long time ago, my arm is around Nat)

She’s smart too!  One day I was telling Debbie about the movie Madagascar.  I said something brilliant like “and they’re stranded on some awesome island like Figi.”  Natalie looked at me and said “Um…it’s called MA-DA-GAS-CAR.”  Her facial expression said it all; what it said was “seriously, you’re stupid.”  I looked at her confused for a second, allowed her ground breaking statement to soak in and then we both started cracking up.  I’ve seen that movie 1 million times and never made the connection.  But like I said, Natalie is smart and caught on right away.

Natalie Bernadette Osborne is beautiful, smart, funny, compassionate, loving, generous and taller than me since she was 10.  She’s my sister, I love her, miss her and am so proud of her!

 (Me and Nat at graduation.  I told you she was tall and beautiful.)

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.

Tired of being gross (week 3)

15 May

Day 18 of my 90 Day Challenge.

Ok, so the scale just said 126 lbs; week one was 130 and week two was 125.  It looks like I gained a pound; not happy about that.  But it makes total sense.  To loose a pound you have to burn an extra 3500 calories, so I guess the oposite is true.  To gain a pound you have to consume and extra 3500 calories.  I did that this past week.

We had McDonalds for dinner one night.  Say what you want about McDonalds.  I don’t care what kind of pink, gooy, crap they put in the fake meat; I LOVE it!!  We also had Taco Cabana for lunch after church Sunday.  We went out of town for my sister’s graduation and when I’m out of town celebrating the calories tend to find me a whole lot easier.  I did have my ViSalus shakes but I also had 2 cokes, 2 mimosas,  a beer, a piece of french toast, a cinnamon roll and a bunch of cheese mash potatoes…yum!

Run:

My running was slacking this week, I only ran twice.  I did 6 miles (no walking) Friday morning; my personal best!  I’m used to running on Saturday mornings so I couldn’t figure out why there were several kids walking around at 7:30am.  I took me a while to realize it was Friday and they were walking to the bus stop. lol  I ran 4 miles yesterday (no walking) to return the RedBox movies we rented.  I hate running with things in my hands to to hold 2 DVDs was quite annoying.

Shakes:

I had a shake everyday, no cheating here.  I’m getting used to drinking them for lunch.  At first, my mind was playing tricks on me and I didn’t feel full because I wasn’t eating anything for lunch.  Now it’s easier and I feel full.  This week I need to be more disciplined on everything else that I eat.

Thanks for allowing me to share my brain with you…welcome to my world.

Tears, toilets and houses

10 May

Started working on a blog about how I was having a “bla” day today. I deleted it because it sucked. So now I’m on to my second blog of the day.  I think I pulled out of the funk, thanks for asking. lol

D just asked me “Mom, do you remember crying in the bathroom?”  Yes, yes I do.  I’m not sure which cry fest she was referring to but I have had many cry fests in the bathroom at work.  That’s where I go to to cry.  My boss is a man and I don’t want him to see me cry.  I’ve cried in front of him twice, once when I made a HUGE mistake and had to fess up and I don’t remember the other time.  It must have been so awful that I blocked it from my memory.  I swear he thinks I’m an idiot and probably questions his decision to hire me on a daily basis.  I think he either hired me out of desperation or maybe he owed his friend, my boss in San Angelo, a favor.

I’m a self diagnosed cry baby.  I can’t talk about anything personal with out crying.  I can’t give a prayer request with out crying.  I feel the tears welling up and then I stop talking, say “Ugh, I’m such a cry baby” and hold my hand in front of my face, make a circle motion with my finger and point to my tears; as if you couldn’t see them already.

Since moving to Austin I’ve had a lot of cry fests, but they have slowed down a bit.  When we first moved her everything was new and stressful and I felt overwhelmed.  I’m not saying I’ve got this Austin thing down, but I do feel more comfortable here.  We are starting to look at houses and we’re about to apply for a loan.  I figured out that part of my funk today was realizing that houses are so much more expensive here and I’m pretty sure we can’t afford to live where we want to.  We bought a super cute house in San Angelo, in a decent neighborhood for 40k; 40k won’t even buy a crack house in Austin.  I’m really trying not to stress; it will work out.

God has proven himself in the past and His past faithfulness is proof of His future faithfulness.  His fingerprints are all over our journey to Austin and I know He won’t turn His back on us now.

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.