Archive | April, 2014

Labor 101

28 Apr

If there was a class taught at the local mommy hang out place called “Labor 101”, I would not be qualified to teach it. Heck, I would be qualified to completely fail it.  I have 2 children (6.5 years old and 13 days old) and I still am clueless about being in labor.  Let me share my 2 experiences with you:

Rewind 6.5 years ago.  I was at home and due in 2 days.  I started noticing my stomach hurting every so often but didn’t think much about it.  Then I kept having to go to the bathroom, but I was a grown, potty-trained woman so I couldn’t understand why it felt like I was slightly peeing myself.  When my stomach aches really starting hurting I finally called my doctor.  I explained to the nurse what was going on and she told me to go to the hospital.  Well like I said, I was due in 2 days so I really didn’t see why she was sending me there.  I called my husband at work and my part of the conversation went a little like this:

“My stomach hurts and I’m NOT peeing myself but the nurse said I need to go to the hospital…no I don’t think I’m having contractions….well I’m not due for 2 more days…no I don’t think you need to meet me at the hospital; they’ll probably just send me home….no really, you don’t have…fine, I’ll see you in a minute.

When we arrived, I was dilated to a 4 and my amniotic fluid was leaking.  The nurse there said “congratulations, you’re having a baby today!”  We arrived at 10:45am and Danica was born at 4:45pm.

13 Days ago.  I was at work and due in 9 days.  It was” Sales Meeting” day, the biggest day of the month where the President, Vice President, the whole Sales team and corporate visitors were in a meeting and I’m in-charge of the books, set-up, breakfast, lunch, drinks and clean up.  I started noticing contractions around 9am and they were every 4-7 minutes.  I know 5 minutes is the magic number BUT I wasn’t due for 9 days and I had some contractions that were 7 minutes apart.  7 is NOT 5 so I kept on working.  At 10:30am I couldn’t hang any longer.  Much to my co-worker’s dismay, I drove myself to the hospital.  I called my husband and my part of the conversation went a little like this:

“I’m going to the hospital, I’m having contractions…no, I don’t think I’m in labor, I’m not due for 9 days….7 minutes, I think you’re in labor when they’re 5 minutes apart so they’ll probably send me home….no you don’t need to leave work….no really….fine, I’ll meet you there.

When I arrived the first thing out of my mouth was “I want an epidural.”  The nurse said, “yep, you’re in labor.”  I was dilated to a 6 and signing all the necessary paperwork in-between contractions.  I didn’t give a crap about what I was signing, all I wanted was that stupid epidural.  I arrived at 11am and Willow was born at 2:25pm.

While pushing for an hour, the 3 reoccurring thoughts I had were: 1) Dear Jesus, please get this baby out of me. 2) Darn you Adam and Eve, this pain is all your fault.  3) I would love a c-section right now.

Clearly I know nothing about the signs of labor.  Only about 5% of babies are actually born on their due date; it should be renamed to Estimated Time of Arrival, so smart girls like me won’t think that is the day the baby will actually be born. If you are pregnant and are due soon, if you have stomach aches that are consistently 4-7 minutes apart or you are constantly wiping yourself, this might be a really good time to contact your doctor.

Danica and Willow

My girls…Danica and Willow


Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain!


Just Cause I’m Pregnant Doesn’t Give You The Right To…

5 Apr

1.  Touch my belly!  3 kinds of people are allowed to touch my belly: family, friends and little old grandma’s…..that’s it.  I don’t know why people think a pregnant belly is a free pass to touch me.  Did I walk up to you and rub your belly?  No, I did not so why is it ok for you to touch mine?  I do think, however, little old grandmas get the free pass…they have earned it.  They have lived a lifetime and I’m sure it takes them back to when their children were babies.  The other day at the store an old lady, who didn’t speak any English, walked up to me with the biggest smile on her face.  She said something and all I got was “baby, touch.”  I smiled and said sure.  She placed her hands on my belly and she looked so peaceful.

2.  Call me fat!  I work at the front desk of a big office.  A plumber came in the other day to fix something.  This guy has been to our office many times; he has seen me not pregnant and we have talked about my pregnancy many times.  The other day he said, and I quote “I better give my badge back to the fat lady up front.”  He said it down the hall and I didn’t hear him, then he repeated it to my face when he walked up.  Seriously!?! Are you kidding me?  I played it off like it didn’t bother me but I told both him, and the Facilities Manager that was standing right besides him laughing, that he better find a new plumber because I’m the gatekeeper and I’m never letting him in this building again.  I told several co-workers who started a campaign to get him in trouble.  They all contacted the company to complain about him being a jerk….hopefully it worked!

3.  Ask if I’m craving all this food!  I did a lunch run the other day to McDonalds.  I’m sure I am not the first person in history to do a work lunch run.  I ordered quite a bit of food and when I got up to the window, the pimple faced, braces wearing guy asked me if this was a craving.  Seriously!?!  I don’t know if he was trying to be funny or just stupid but I wanted to punch him.

4.  Tell me about your 1.5 pound placenta!  Not making this up dear readers.  A lady started talking to me about how she gained over 60 pounds with her first baby.  She ate everything in site and was not looking forward to loosing all the weight.  During labor, her doctor told her she had a huge placenta and it was the healthiest he had seen in a long time.  Ok, I know birth is a beautiful miracle God created, but there are some things that should not be said.  Yes, I realize I am now sharing this story with you, but it’s to educate you and, just in case you weren’t sure, tell you it’s not ok to talk about placentas!!

Whew.  I feel better now!

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain!