Archive | June, 2013

What do you do when…

19 Jun

What do you do when you finally have that one thing you want most and then it’s taken away? Do you cry? Do you become angry or bitter? Do you turn on God? Well, it happened to me and my reaction, quite honestly, surprised me.

Dear family members, this is new information and I apologize you’re finding out about it this way, but this is a conversation Brandn and I didn’t want to have 5 different times.

If you know me, it’s no secret that I want another baby; read that blog here. I stopped taking birth control last month and 2 home pregnancy tests confirmed I was knocked up!! Well, after 3 days, some spotting, bleeding, a trip to the ER, a blood test, an ultrasound and a pelvic exam, the ER doctor confirmed I was, at that time, not pregnant.

Talk about heart breaking.

It’s time for some brutal honesty here. My biggest fear is losing a child. A constant prayer of mine is “Lord don’t take my children away because I know I won’t be able to handle it and I’m afraid I will turn against you.” My biggest fear has now been realized. Some of you may be saying you didn’t lose a child; you can’t lose something you never had. 2 weeks ago, I would have agreed with you; but now I don’t. I didn’t understand the pain associated with miscarriages. I believe life starts at conception and there is a sweet baby waiting in heaven for me that I will meet someday. For 3 days I knew I was pregnant and that Brandn, Danica and I would meet this sweet baby February 28th.

So now what? Well, I haven’t gone crazy and I’m not mad at God. Yes I know “things happen for a reason and it just wasn’t God’s plan.” I know this, but if you tell me this you are risking getting punched in the face. Normally I don’t want to be quoted scripture, read that blog here. This time, however, I’m finding peace in scripture – God’s word provided peace and comfort; who would have guessed?

Eph 3:20 says God can do exceeding above and beyond all I can ask or imagine according to His work that is in us. I’m putting my trust in this. I imagined we would have a baby February 28th. We are not, BUT according to this scripture God can do exceedingly beyond. I know what I thought our family would look like but my family will look like what God wants it to look like and it will be so much bigger and better than I imagined it would be.

God is love and He’s not responsible for bad things that happen. God is love and He uses bad to create beautiful. Through this painful experience, I’ve realized my faith. I’m looking to God for comfort; not turning my back on Him. I’ve realized even more that God loves me and He’s not allowing me to fall apart like I thought I would; He’s holding me up. His love is my strength. Don’t get me wrong. Yes, I am sad. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, I’ve cried and yes, God has held every single tear and hasn’t left my side.

If you are walking through some hard times now, I pray you find peace in knowing you are not alone.

Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you….welcome to my brain.