Everything to everyone, that is what I’m trying to be. I feel like I need to be the perfect wife and mother. I feel guilty staying home on maternity leave and I think I need to be earning my keep as a domestic. No one has put this expectation on me, well, that’s a lie. I have placed this expectation on myself. I have the most supportive husband and everyday before he goes off to work he tells me to take a nap and watch 2 movies. And I’m like, OK Crackhead; I’ll squeeze that in between the dishes, pumping and the laundry.
When our first daughter was born, I overdid it and was back at the doctor’s office within a week. I’m a slow learner and I was at the doctor’s office yesterday. She told me to take it easy; easier said than done. I think I should be able to do it all despite the fact that I had a baby 17 days ago.
Since Brandn is back at work, I try to get up with Willow every night so he doesn’t have too. Last night, however, was a different story. I was up with her for an hour and a half and she was still wide awake. At that point I let him take over and of course she fell asleep for him. I also think since I’m home there is no excuse to have dirty dishes or laundry piling up. My house has no carpet so I’m constantly sweeping; he has threatened to hide all the brooms. This is no joke; dirty floors makes me go crazy. He was sweeping last night at 9:30 because he knew I would do it today once he left.
I want to be Supermom for Danica. I don’t want her to feel left out or neglected now that Willow’s here. I get her up in the morning, fix her hair and lunch and make sure I smother her with kisses before school. I help her with homework and read to her every night before bed.
To Willow, I have to be everything. The only 2 things she has mastered are scream till her little face turns purple and poop. Everything else is up to me till Brandn comes home.
When I go out I don’t want to look like the lady that just had a baby so I make sure my clothes are cute and that I’ve fixed my hair. Which is interesting because I believe pajamas are perfectly acceptable in public.
Why do I feel the need to prove myself?
I don’ know…I guess I want everyone to think I have it all together. I normally don’t care what others think of me and I don’t know why it matters now.
Yesterday I realized I’m not Superwoman and it was a hard, emotional day. Once the tears started they didn’t stop.
The facade stops now. The truth is I’m a woman that just had a baby and I’m sleep deprived and cranky. I have sore nipples. I drink prune juice. I have unfortunate stitches that are still bleeding and makes it impossible to sit for longer than 15 minutes. I have dirty floors and I’m self conscious about my weight.
I’m a hot mess and its time to stop hiding it; that takes too much energy and I’m running on a limited supply right now.
Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.