I fought tears the whole way home because I was too afraid to get out of the truck. Yep, that’s right. I could see all these amazing things happening right in front of me but I was too far out of my comfort zone to get out of the truck. I was freaking out because there was over a hundred people and we only had 38 backpacks. What was gonna happen when we ran out? Was there gonna be a riot? Were people gonna get in fights? Were they gonna beat up Brandn, find his gun and then steal the truck? Now before you judge me let me explain…
I get nervous when I’m downtown in any large city.
A few years ago, B and I were in San Antonio; it was night and we were walking from the hotel to the Riverwalk. I was big and pregnant and in a dress and flip flops. I was quite certain we had big neon lights above our heads that flashed “tourists” so I just knew we were gonna get jumped as we walked passed the bus station. We looked like easy targets; after they robbed B what was I gonna do, waddle after them? I seriously had a panic attack right there on the street.
Another story that involves a downtown. A few months ago we did the tourist thing and we went to the Texas Capitol. We left the Capitol and walked down Congress Street to find a place to eat. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, we were in a safe place and there were a lot of people around but I just knew those neon “tourist” signs were above our heads again. D was in the umbrella stroller and I had a feeling someone was gonna grab her and run; but I was prepared haha. She was buckled in super tight and I had a white knuckled, death grip on the handles so if anybody grabbed D they got her, the stroller and one psychotic mamma too.
I share these 2 stories to show you I have issues. I wasn’t afraid of the homeless people, I was afraid of my own imagination. I sat in the truck holding in the tears feeling like a jerk because I wasn’t out there. I wanted to get out and help, but I was crippled by fear. I let fear control my actions, or my lack of action.
Isaiah 1:17 says Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows.
We did that this past Christmas and we’re gonna do it again next Christmas. I can’t wait till then because I will be out of the truck serving beside my husband and the rest of Revive Church doing what God called us to this big, crazy, amazingly beautiful city to do. God did not create me to live in a state of fear. Next year I will punch my inner voice/imagination in the face if it starts telling me otherwise.
Thanks for allowing me to share my world with you…welcome to my brain.